Movies reviewed with claws, not kisses.
Tired of sugar-coated praise? The Crabby Critic claws through the noise with sharp, spoiler-lite reviews that tell you what actually matters: is it worth your time, or should you crab-walk away?
Sorted by newest shell-shock first.
Style for days, substance for about 40 minutes. Once the glow of the neon fades, you’re mostly left with vibes and very expensive trench coats.
Against all odds, this seaside romance earns every tear. No manipulative speech, no cheesy final kiss — just two flawed humans stumbling toward something honest.
Script apparently generated by feeding the previous seven films into a blender. Shiny, loud, and aggressively fine — the cinematic equivalent of airline pasta.
Revered for decades, but the pacing creaks louder than the ships. A powerful final act, buried under 90 minutes of moody staring at water.
A slow-burn thriller that tightens the screws with every scene. Zero jump scares, maximum dread. The final shot lives in my head rent-free.
Delightful choreography wrapped around a tissue-paper plot. You stay for the numbers, you tolerate the scenes between them.
The Crabby Critic is a one-crustacean operation dedicated to honest, spoiler-lite movie reviews. No studio favors, no franchise loyalty, and absolutely no “it was fine I guess” fence-sitting.
Scores are based on three things: story that actually goes somewhere, characters that don’t feel like cardboard, and vibes that justify the runtime (and the ticket price).